Cold Hands Warm Heart
by Karen11
Summary: Bobby addresses the fan fic writers in order to clear up some misconceptions. Part of the Video Camera series.


Title: Cold Hands, Warm Heart  
  
Series: Video Camera Round Robin  
  
Author: Karen  
  
Email: kittenrescue@hotmail.com   
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: Bobby is technically owned by Marvel, but I think he should belong to JenN.  
  
Summary: It's Bobby's turn to make the Internet work for him.  
  
Dedicated to the BobbyFicGoddess, JenN.  
  
Author's Notes: Rebecca wrote a fic called "I ain't no &%$#@^ pansy!" in which Logan addresses the fan fic writers via a webcam in an attempt to clear up some misconceptions.   
  
I asked Rebecca if I could write one on behalf of Marie, then other authors contributed fics and eventually there were thirteen stories. The other stories in this series can be found here: http://www.dolphinhaven.50megs.com/fanfiction/VideoRR.htm  
  
~ Cold Hands, Warm Heart ~  
  
We hear voices mumbling, but we're not getting any visual at this point.  
  
"I think I got the audio part working, I just can't figure out how to get the visual to come on." St. John's voice can be heard.  
  
  
  
"I thought you said you knew how to operate this thing, Mr. Genius." Bobby answers.  
  
"It's a brand new model with lots of features I'm not familiar with. Sorry if I forgot to swipe the instruction book when I pilfered it out of Logan's room."  
  
"By the way, I just wanna thank you for the stellar advice you gave me about Kitty. I did what you suggested and asked her if I froze my dick, would she lick it like a Popsicle."  
  
"Oh, so that explains the black eye."  
  
"Yeah, remind me to return the favor some day."  
  
"Don't blame me 'cause you have shitty reflexes and didn't duck in time."   
  
"Hey, dingleberry, I think I've found the problem with the camera."  
  
Suddenly there's a picture - well, a close-up of Bobby's left nostril, anyway.   
  
"You still had the lens cap on, duh." Bobby steps away from the camera, backs up and sits on a chair by his desk.   
  
"Okay, so I wasn't thinking it was something so obvious, sue me."  
  
"What do you actually own besides the wads of gum stuck under the desk?"  
  
The camera gets adjusted; the focus goes in and out a couple of times before we see a clear shot of Bobby, one eye sporting the recently acquired aforementioned shiner.  
  
"Well, are you just gonna sit there or are you planning on doing something a little more entertaining than just breathing in and out?" St. John's voice asks from off-camera.  
  
"I'm thinking. Give me a minute," Bobby says, his brow furrowing in contemplation.  
  
"Good thing this isn't pay-per-view or people would be demanding their money back."   
  
"Fuck you."  
  
"I thought that was one of the rumors you were trying to dispel with this little exercise?"  
  
"I'm trying to think of something to grab people's attention, numbnuts."  
  
"Try unzipping your pants, that should be good for a laugh." We hear St. John snort.  
  
Bobby picks up a sneaker and aims it in the general direction of the camera. We hear a loud "Ouch!" and the camera is bumped.   
  
"Nice aim, Icicle. Too bad you're not that accurate when we're playing baseball."   
  
"Keep it up, I've got another sneaker."  
  
"Okay. Geez, can't you take a joke?"  
  
"Just re-aim the camera back on me, please. We don't have much time. If Logan finds his new toy missing, we're both gonna be sporting new, albeit involuntary body piercings."  
  
The camera is re-trained on Bobby, who's fidgeting in the chair.   
  
"How should I start?"  
  
"How about - 'Hey, morons'."  
  
"I don't wanna piss 'em off, I just wanna get a few things straight."  
  
"Well, you better think fast, 'cause you're 'on-the-air', so to speak."  
  
"Hello to all you authors out there in fanfic land."  
  
We hear a groan off camera, then "Christ that was lame."  
  
Bobby gives St. John the finger in what he thinks is out of camera range and continues.  
  
"Bobby here. Also known as Robert Drake and Iceman."  
  
"IceMAN, ha, that's good."  
  
Bobby holds up his pointer finger to the camera. "Excuse me, I'll be right back."  
  
He walks off camera and we hear a scuffle, followed by a door being slammed shut.  
  
"Sorry for the interruption, but my roommate suddenly remembered he had somewhere else he needed to be. Now, where was I? Oh, yeah. Okay, so I've formally introduced myself and I want to say that while I appreciate some of you writing about me, most of you are, quite frankly, a little off the mark," Bobby says gesturing with his thumb and pointer finger pinched together. "Actually, it's kinda like bombs being aimed at the Taliban caves in Afghanistan and hitting Ayer's Rock in the Australian Outback instead - in other words, not even close."   
  
Just then St. John comes charging back in the room and runs past the camera.   
  
"Sorry, forgot something."  
  
"Well, hurry up and get it and get out. If you want your turn with this thing, you'll let me finish."  
  
St. John retrieves a set of keys from the desk and bends down so that his face is in camera view.  
  
"Hey, Autumn." He waves at the camera.   
  
"Who the hell is Autumn?" Bobby asks.  
  
"One of the fan fic writers." St. John explains to Bobby and then turns back to the camera, "I liked your picture at the Dolphin Haven site, by the way." He winks mischievously at the camera and puts his hand up to his ear, curled into a fist with his thumb sticking out and whispers, "Call me."   
  
"Excuse me, this is supposed to be me addressing all the fic writers, not a chance for you to play the 'Love Connection'."   
  
St. John pulls a face and pretends to be muttering, then rolls his eyes. Bobby shoves him out of the way.   
  
"Okay, I can take a hint. I'm leaving."   
  
We hear the door closing once again and Bobby clears his throat.  
  
"Ah, peace reigns once again. Now, about this portrayal of me in fics. It seems to me the writer who has the best handle on my personality is JenN. The thing I like most about her portrayal of me is that she never writes me as gay, which I'm not for the record. I can assure you the only way I'd ever wanna touch St. John is to push him off a cliff or something. I can shower in the men's locker room without embarrassing myself. I love women, and just because I don't chase after everything in a skirt, that doesn't make me gay. I even had a crush on Stormy during her low-neckline-indecently-short-skirt-wearing phase. Trust me, gay guys don't get boners when their teachers bend over enough to reveal they favor thong panties. Not to mention the ironic fact that she was talking about Napoleon Bonaparte at the time."  
  
It suddenly goes quiet as Bobby gets a strange look on his face.   
  
"Oh, sorry," Bobby says with a start. "I was having a history class flashback. What was I saying? Oh, yeah - not gay, no siree, definitely not gay over here. Another misconception is that I carry a torch for Rogue, which, if you think about it, also kinda argues against the whole gay thing. Yes, I admit that I was initially attracted to Rogue when she first arrived at the school, but sorta gave up as soon as I found out she had the mother of all crushes on the knuckle-dragging Neanderthal she came in with. And yes, for the record Logan does make the pulses quicken of most of the female population around here, especially when he runs around without his shirt on, which is most of the time. I think his upper torso must be clothes-repellant or something. I learned very quickly not to work out in the gym whenever he's in there as well, 'cause it's just plain embarrassing and unfortunately, I don't mean for him. But back to me. I'm often portrayed as a simpleton who spends all his time pulling pranks. I have been known to get the better of some people, that's true, but it's really more of a hobby than an actual career. And, if I do say so myself, it takes a degree of intelligence to come up with things like hot-wiring Logan's bike to control it remotely and reprogramming the Danger Room to be more like the holodeck on the Enterprise. It also takes skill for some of the more dangerous stunts to remain untraceable back to me. To this day Logan's never proven that it was me who replaced his entire condom supply with those chocolate coins and handed out his condoms to the trick or treaters."  
  
Bobby smirked and looked very pleased with himself. Just then we hear the door open and St. John's voice.  
  
"You finished yet?"   
  
"Well, I guess I better wrap this up so St. John can have his turn. So thank you for listening and 'um....just remember - not gay." There's a pause. "Okay, so...uh... good bye."   
  
Bobby just stares at the camera blankly. "I don't know how to end this. Oh wait. Hey, Catlin, if you're available e-mail me. I could hot wire the Blackbird and be in South Africa just like that." Bobby snaps his fingers.  
  
"Excuse me, this ain't the 'Love Connection'. " We hear St. John say teasingly and then the screen goes dark. 


End file.
